Life in their dream home introduced Love to new cultural complexities through interactions with neighbors. In particular, her neighbor Grace’s scrutinizing looks at her unpainted toenails revealed an unexpected cultural divide. “Growing up without shoes until the age of seven, I found comfort in being barefoot still after all those years,” Love recalls, but American beauty standards proved markedly different from her upbringing.
A conversation with a Taiwanese professor illuminated these differences. “She explained that in American culture, showing one’s toes without painted nails might be seen as unconventional,” Love shares. This clashed with her family’s beliefs that “women shouldn’t wear nail polish or makeup, associating those practices with nightclubs and sex workers.”
Cultural misunderstandings reached a painful crescendo at a neighbor’s housewarming party. Asked to remove her shoes while other guests kept theirs on, Love felt humiliated. “My heart felt a painful twist, and my face burned with shame and embarrassment. Why was I the only one asked to take off my shoes in their house?” The experience left lasting wounds: “I had no memories of the rest of the party… besides the twisting pain from embarrassment and shame I felt on the left side of my chest.”
Life grew more challenging with the unexpected arrival of her third child. “Being alone without any support from family and close friends, with three boys, ages three, two, and a newborn, was an immense challenge,” Love reflects. “I found myself struggling in every facet of every minute of my daily life.”
Her plea to move closer to family met resistance from Gray, who prioritized citizenship. “Citizenship doesn’t matter to me. I simply want to go back home and be close to my family, as I can’t manage to breastfeed and care for the other two little ones all on my own,” she argued. His response, influenced by family history, left her feeling “trapped and unheard.”
Depression crept in silently but forcefully. “One morning, I awoke to find myself unable to move my arms or legs, as if my entire body had transformed into a massive, immovable object,” Love shares. “A sense of hopelessness, sadness, and emptiness overwhelmed me, making me feel that I was not attached to my own body.”
Dark thoughts returned from her childhood, but her children’s presence provided both challenge and purpose. “I couldn’t imagine abandoning them in this world alone without me or inflicting any pain upon them to take them with me away from this harsh, unbearable reality.” Drawing on past resilience, she told herself, “If I managed it then, I could manage it now.”
When Gray’s parents suggested she might be “depressed,” the term held no meaning for her. “From Buddha’s perspective, ‘Life is a suffering path,'” Love explains. Her cultural background viewed suffering as natural: “During the suffering, we free our body, mind, and soul through the ancient wisdom that was passed on from generation to generation.”
The doctor’s diagnosis of postpartum depression and prescription for “happy pills” left her confused. “Well, in my culture, according to Buddhism, life is not supposed to be happy. It is meant to be filled with suffering in the process of growth,” she told him. His laughter at her response highlighted the vast cultural divide in understanding mental health.
Love’s journey reveals how cultural perspectives shape our understanding of mental health, happiness, and suffering. “I left the doctor’s office in a state of confusion, pondering how I had felt similarly during my childhood, and nobody ever labeled me as ‘depressed’ or advised me to consult a doctor.” Her experience illuminates the complex intersection of motherhood, cultural identity, and mental health in a foreign land.
Discover more stories of cultural understanding and personal growth in “Grow in the Dark” by Amy Love. Available on Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Google, iTunes & Kobo.
